This isn’t a garden wedding

Like any institution, marriage is fundamentally flawed. There’s too much emphasis on ‘making it work’ and ‘submissiveness’. Love is for the birds, trust is for the lucky and perseverance is for the woman. Raw deal? Well, you can cook it if you like. I want my marriage medium to well done.

But no I am not here to rant and rave on a topic that’s washed out. Congratulations to any young nuptials out there and to the veterans a well deserved Hongera.

We are a diverse nation picking up on trends faster than a white probox would pick up some twilight damsel in the heart of Koinange. We have seen church weddings, garden weddings, beach weddings and even weddings in the wild. For the more moneyed, who’s wallets are filled with notes higher than white Houston’s voice we have seen hot air balloon weddings.

The trend of late has been incorporating slang into corporate events. Explains how a bank would ask its clients to ‘shika mita’. So why hasn’t the trend caught up in the nuptials business? A slang wedding? Noma Sana!

Here’s what the script would look like

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“Niaje mresh, nmekudeadi mbaya”
“Nmekam mbele ya Sir Godi, na mkanyas pale, mbuyu pia na ka suti, big up Daddy shikilia ya hewa”
“Sa ni ivi mresh ukipiganga Tu ma smile apa roho yangu ishashikisha ma mbrrrcha mbaya Sana”
“Nilikuwa nmekugwaya joh juu ulikuwanga ka fine thank you imestoodi ndialala”
“But ndio Mimi apa tukawa ma arif roho juu tukapendana iyo box ikakuwa safe juu hutoki”
“Saa mi Leo na kuchafua kidole na Pete, si ma silver lakini goro”
“Pastor Una adisia any?”
“Funga hii maneno!”

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“Weh pasi pasi kanyagia kwanza”
“kwani mamresh hawana say?”
“Chorea utiaji”
“Cheki joh, ni ivi nani”
“umekuwa mshikaji toka zile day za tei pale base”
“tulianzana na ma blue moon Sa tunaenda ma honey moon”
“Mi joh ntakupenda Enzi za moon walker na za Johnny walker”

“Ukiwa ma p-unit juu Tu Sana Jo Mimi huyo”
“Ukiwa down alafu sasa?”
“najua huniachi so ma mpango wa kando watatembeza Tu kiatu”
“wekelea uzito Buda” “Na ivo ndo kunaendanga!”

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Sa iyo mate ipigwe joh!