Letter to my Son

Dear Son,

You might probably wonder why I wrote this way before you were even a thought, well because its never too early to lay down the wisdom of man. And believe me son, pops is wise.

Life gave most people lemons, some made lemonade, others ate the lemon, others found someone with vodka and had a party (this was me for a better part of my life) but then I changed… I planted the seeds – borrowing a leaf from Kanyari (you might never get this reference and it saddens me), then I grew trees, and built a house. Now the world will follow in my steps so the pressure is definitely on you.

As I write this I haven’t met mum yet but I bet you look at her and thank God for my sly tongue. You see for the better part of my life I have been in what I’d like to call lemon relationships much like a lemon car. Take a seat and let me school you. A lemon car is a car that once bought from the dealership has recurring mechanical problems such that it spends most of its time at the garage. Failure by the car company to rectify mistakes will lead to replacement of the car. That’s my relationships in a nutshell, always breaking down. Now if there was a dealership for this kind of stuff I’d go for a refund or a replacement – there isn’t! So I kinda am stuck in making things work or moving on, ask mum she has definitely been in one hell of a ride.

There have been times when life dealt blows that send me sprawling to the ground getting up wasn’t easy but the silver lining is that you will always live to fight another day. When you’re down make the best of it, take a mud bath, tussle in the dust and get back up shake it off and keep moving. That’s basically it, there is no secret formula, no over the top measures, no greater truth, and definitely no opening up you need to do – this is a lie that one too many stoners will tell you! Its simple, the secret to life is there is no secret to life… you just live it! Roll with the punches, throw some and most importantly run when you have to – its never cowardice.

I’ve been living in a time where your bank account defines who a man is – so for the better part of this letter I’ve been a boy. Who’s the man now? Haha! I wish I had insight into the future just so that I could prepare you for what’s to come – I don’t. We are both going to have to figure this together are you up for the challenge?

Hmmm what else… Women! Ah yes, women! I doubt much has changed I hope that by the time you do get to read this we have had ‘the talk’. I hope it was weird for you as it was for me. Women are a species we cannot live without, love and respect them. Treat any girl as you’d like your mother treated. Sometimes you will have to lie to them but only do so if the truth will do more harm than good. I do not advocate for this but it’s necessary evil. Do not objectify them, this might be very confusing especially if the dress code has deteriorated from what it is now. Did dresses get longer? I hope so, if they got any shorter they’d be practically non existent and I’m probably getting into trouble with your mum each and every time a skirt or lack of one passes – but hey, eyes see! Back to my point, you see there is no manual to how these things work you just make it up as it goes. But, be the good guy l, get friend zoned as much as possible, and never ask me for money to take a girl out on a date. If you’re responsible enough to handle that you’re responsible enough to handle a job.

There are times you will meet women that are out to demean you. They will have set standards that are unrealistic, they will have trashed your kind of lifestyle and brought everything down to your bank account balance. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, your time with them will just be a transition as she waits for the next big thing – I mean this both literally and metaphorically. They will hate your young age and ignore your ambition. They will treat your need for adrenaline rushes in the name of blue sports cars as immaturity. There idea of fun is some exotic getaway on a tropical island they cannot afford nut believe they deserve. But you should enjoy the cheap thrills first son. Such women, avoid them! Don’t waste your time trying to live up to their ideologies, that is the fastest way to the grave. Stay out of their way and watch. Ten years down the line guess what? You will have surpassed those standards! You will be sought after, but you will have known who was real and who wasn’t. But lets be real, ten years later she’s probably not as good looking as she once was and anything close to the semblance of beauty is layers of make up over expensive exfoliations. Now you have the pick of the litter. Who won? You did! But why aren’t you attracted to them anymore? Well, because what they want and who they are are two different things.

Ever taken a sip from the lips of the goddesses? Ever taken the bitter piss of the devils? Don’t let it define you. It doesn’t make you any less of a man if you turn it down. But guess what? You look stupid when you’re talking gibberish, insulting everyone in the vicinity and passing out pants down in a lavatory. But you don’t look stupid fondling a good old soda bottle. But if you think its a phase, go ahead, experiment. But if your education has served you my money’s worth you know by now that experiments end in either of two ways: Positive or negative. Save your mother the embarrassment of gossiping neighbors, be smart about however way you go about it. Incase you’re thinking… No! I will not grab one with you, unless you are buying from money that is coming from a pay slip and is minus your monthly rent and/or mortgage. Yes, set your priorities straight. I dont want your priorities to be playing for the wrong team. See what I did there? I still got it huh?

I’ve never known how to say goodbye or pen off so I guess this is as good as any.

P.S If you’ve been in any trouble we need to talk.


P.P.S cool name huh?


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