Iron like a lion in zion

land cruiser vx
Interior of a VX – Much like Dr. Khalif’s


“My dear friend for long time” starts Khalif.

It has been quite a while since I last saw ‘doctor’. Actually he is a duck(tor) because he is a quack and all. He preys on the naivety of the masses and he profits. Unlike some pastor, Khalid reaps where he did not sow.

Been friends from ‘siku za nyuma’ as he would say, it was about that time we caught up. His hearty laugh filled the small pub. Even with his fortune he wouldn’t dish out more than a blue note for a drink. Talk of being rich and cheap at the same damn time!

“How is business?” I ask. He eyes me and laughs then he sermons a waiter and orders three drinks for me. Not any drink, but top shelf liquor. I guess business is doing good I think to myself.

“Let me not beat you cutting” he replies. He has a unique way of blending Swahili into English much like my fellow blogger Wanjohi.

“It is doing me stupid work” he continues.

“People are getting smart and my disciples have entered water” he states.

“C’mon, are you serious?” I ask

Its hard to believe that business is bad for this guy yet he is driving a VX. Bringing it to a dingy pub and will probably chips one twilight for the night and bang her in the back leather seats. So how again is business down? I want his type of down. Sipping my top-shelf I watch his face for a reaction. There’s none he sips his froth and shakes his head. A lady dressed in a short red dress walks by tracing her fingers along Khalif’s neck.

I let out a whistle and a lyric kept playing on loop inside my head …

What you gonna do with that big ol’ butt wiggle wiggle wiggle.

Khalid called her to the table. She smiled shyly as if she wasn’t used to it. Trying to feel like a young girl I guess. She squirmed as she tried to fit her generous buttocks into a stingy seat. Looking at me she smiled and in an accent heavily influenced by rural upbringing said hi. I nodded my head and pushed one of my top-shelves to her. I pushed the remaining contents of my bottle down my throat.

“How will it be?” Asked Khalif.

I thought he was talking to me so I started formulating a reply

“We can finish up then..”
“Shut up I’m not talking to you” he cut me off.

Lady in red was amused as she whispered something into his ear. He smiled, looked at me and nodded. Lady in red left the table. I was relieved – it had started getting awkward and shit.

“Sending her off too soon?” I joked
“Just wait” he replied.

It was time to open my last top shelf. I signalled for the waiter – I call her that because she looked more like a man. Maybe as i got inebriated her femininity would spring and pounce on me – it never did. She came… Sorry i meant he came and opened up my bottle. I felt like i should give him a fist bump but something told me she would fist bump my pretty face to match hers. I quickly brushed the idea off.

Lady in red was back, in tow a lady in black. Her friend I guessed – business partner was more like it. The sweet sounds of bob Marley back in the day were playing. He was wailing about something to do with iron and Zion. I really can’t remember – I was attention broke as I was paying it all to lady in black. She smiled and stretched out her hand. It was soft to the touch, her fingers were slender. Her name was Faith. She was plump and light skinned her buttocks overflowed over the small bar stool. Wiggle wiggle wiggle is how she fit into the stool. Top shelf was taking its toll on me and Faith’s smile was inviting. Khalid no longer existed – to be fair I didn’t exist to him too. Last time I checked they were busy canoodling over each other like love sick teenagers out for holiday. I eyed them and sipped on my drink.

A warm hand rubbed my thigh – I looked up at Faith. She was smiling, “are you buying me a drink?” She asked. I would’ve felt embarrassed had it been an actual date – it wasn’t.

“What will you have?” I asked
“Black ice” she quickly replied.

She was gauging the strength of my wallet. I knew she would settle for the piss of dragons if she had to – however I obliged.

“Ngapi?” I asked
“Tatu” came her reply.

Deep down I knew everything was on Khalif’s tab who was now busy discovering lady in red’s palette. Did it taste like stale semen? I wouldn’t know! Faith noticed my attention wavering, she pulled her chair closer to mine and our faces were inches apart. Inebriation was now my middle name and the only inhibitions I had were washed away with my last sip.


She had kissed me. Her breath was an intoxicating cocktail of tobacco and liquor – which I guessed was not black ice because her kiss left a funny taste in my mouth. I’d need mouthwash I thought to myself. She made herself comfortable as her drinks came to the table. She was leaning dangerously towards me and enjoyed my struggle to keep eye contact. How could I? Her bossom was in my face – literally! She would deliberately chuckle. Her chuckle was hearty and it shook her – so much so that her milk calabashes would jiggle in hypnotizing motion. A slap on my back brought me back to the present. Khalif was laughing, he wagged his finger at me in a mock warn.

“I’ll be back. Don’t go!” He said. Arm in arm they left with lady in red. Both slightly staggering. She mist be drunk I thought. On the other hand Khalid must’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of her bum bum. Wiggle wiggle wiggle as she walked and off they went. Where? I had no idea. Probably to get down to business (all puns intended). The top shelf had begun moving me and in unison bob Marley moved me too. I got up swaying in rather uncoordinated motions. It didn’t matter that the same song had been playing the whole time we were there. My hands were up, my head shaking my imaginary dreads and my feet making little triumphant jumps. I was iron like a lion in Zion! Amused, Faith got up joining me on my make shift dance floor. Her moves coordinated she brought an end to my epileptic fit. The Swahili once said ‘ukiona ya firauni utastaajabu ya musa’. If you thought her bossom was hypnotizing now meet her derriere. I was now iron like a lion in Zion in more ways than one.

“I hope Khalif takes his time” I thought to myself.


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