What a weird way to start right? But what can I say it’s all a weird feeling. The uncertainty that rocks your emotions setting moods at oscillating highs and lows. Sometimes it feels like she deserves it all and sometimes it feels like your all is not enough.
You know how every talk is a laugh and every word is an accidental flirt but you never really notice until a day goes and her absence is felt. How awkward silences are not really awkward just silence. How that silence is punctuated by the usual “You’re silly” or gentle punch on the arm or crude joke.
You know how you make her smile and laugh but she thinks she can resist. How she ends up pouting just to prove you wrong. How you keep at it – attacking the pout with your silliness until she explodes from the laughter that has been building up inside of her. Because she knows she cannot stay mad at you. There is no room for anger in a heart of love.
How you can just be alone amidst a crowd. Have a conversation in the middle of chaos. Completely lost to each other and still not know it. Oblivious to what the world already knows. Your friends tell you she likes you and you wonder if hers tell her the same. You have pictured a whole life, a family, a family car, a family home even a family vacation.
How you die a little bit each time you have to say goodbye. How every hug freezes time but forever isn’t long enough. How two steps away you already miss her. How you want to call her name out just so she could turn back. How you console yourself that you will see her. How you punish yourself for not saying what you feel.
How you fear her reaction. No, not reaction but rejection. Its better living in a state of not knowing. At least this way it’s both real and not. How you wonder if she reads your pieces. Did she see the last love poem you wrote. Maybe she thinks she doesn’t fit the description. Maybe she really thinks you’re an asshole – you have a diary right?
Its hard been twenty two and in love. No one really understands than the one that loves you back.