Hazed

morning flowers
“And I aint never did this before no” I’m playing J cole on my stereo. This line resonates with where I am. Kinda.

Fire. If I had to use one word to describe it. Consuming. That touch that sends sparks flying. She’s laying on my bed. Nothing but sheets over her lithe body. She’s peaceful or at least that’s what the smile is for – I think. She’s been sleeping for the past hour. I don’t know if she notices that my warmth is gone but every so often her shoulders shudder. It feels like I should light up and choke on menthol scented fumes. I’m thirsty – the price of passion. I want to join her but nothing gives me more pleasure than watching from a distance. I am her guardian angel.

“Join me”
She’s finally up. Barely rousing the sheets she taps my spot. Where I was meant to be. Right next to her. She beckons. She smiles. I’m in her spell.

“In a minute” I say then I smile back.

She’s calm and drifts back to sleep. My words are enough. A sense of bliss fills a dark corner of my heart. I am happy. Delighting in this one rare moment. I leave my thoughts be and join her. She’s responsive when I join and we fall asleep.

I must have slept for ages. They say deep sleep is a sign of contentment – I must be happy. I truly must be happy. I turn to face her but she’s gone. I think maybe she’s in the kitchen. I expect her to walk in any minute adorning nothing but a large black t-shirt. She would smile and wish me a good morning with a glass of orange juice in one hand. She doesn’t come through the door. I exhale and walk into the bathroom. I open the door with expectation. Maybe I’ll find her glistening body looking ever so delicate as she tries to reach the small of her back. Again my spirits rise. I slowly open the handle, I don’t want to scare her. I want to sneak up behind and cup her. The door opens and it is empty. The light that once filled that dark corner begins leaving. I feel the cold creeping. It was nothing but a dream. None of it was ever real. I don’t want to believe it so I open the bathroom cabinet. Take out some pills. I shall sleep by all means. I shall dream and see her once more.

Two should be enough. But I take three – just in case. I let the water fall and beat my naked body. I feel drowsy. My eyes can’t stay open. My skin is wet but I do not feel the water pouring anymore. I hear her call. Her voice sweet. She’s asking where I am. I say I am in the bathroom. She says she’s going to join me. She takes forever. Finally I feel those cold slender fingers on my back. Its good to feel something. She’s talking but I can’t hear her voice. Why did I take three? I ask myself over and over.

“Three what?” She asks
“Pills, three pills” I say

Her voice is different. Its deeper. She’s shaking me. Only it’s not her. It’s my neighbor.He’s trying to wake me.

“God dammit! Not again” he shouts

Its not the first time. I only see her when I sleep. But I don’t sleep anymore. I lost touch of what’s real and what’s not. So I pop pills. I hear sirens as I fade. Then I feel her head on my chest. She said something about hearts when the lights went out. I must have been asleep for ages. Only this time she wasn’t there. I must have scared her away. I went back home after stern warnings from my nurse. I don’t even want to sleep anymore I told her ass. She smiled. But I had to see her.

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