1. Just like a wife you inherit a name
Don’t jump up in joy yet. Sit that derriere down and leave the jumping for his enjoyment. Your new name is nothing to be proud of.
You see he has no time to keep up with names all the time and chances are the two of you will be done as soon as he gets bored.
He will be onto the next one and he isn’t willing to keep track of the Jane’s and Marys and Ciro’s so your name is simply either of or all of these: babe, baby, hun, honey, sugar, love, and most importantly bae.
Embrace it while you’re together because then you’re real name does not exist. Ok? Good.
2. Never call always text and only text once
Yes. NEVER call. Calling is a sign of endearment that he isn’t ready for yet. As a matter of fact he will never be ready for that. Second you always pester him for airtime which he dutifully never sends. So where did you finally get the airtime to call him from? Someone else? You’ll be dropped faster than Willy Paul’s new stolen song.
ALWAYS text. That’s the cardinal rule. However, you can only text once and patiently wait for a reply even if it comes one week later. Understand he is busy trying to keep his girlfriend happy. Respect their relationship.
3. It’s never a date
Yes you read that right. Dates are for the girlfriend. You are not even recognised by his friends so how again is it a date? I understand that sometimes you might need to label things and I have the perfect fit.
If anyone asks you what the two of you are doing together it’s simple. You say “we just bumped into each other” That’s it. That’s all you did and going to do later… bumping.
If for one moment you think you are on a date you are on the wrong track. You need to reevaluate your life choices and misplace your priorities again.
4. Under no circumstances ever should you catch feelings
Do I need to explain this one? Really? Okay.
Like I said you are invisible. You do not exist. Your feelings, dreams, hopes and ambitions do not matter and they never will.
If he forgets your birthday it’s your fault. Don’t give me that look. Whose fault did you think it was? His? His girlfriends? No dear it was your fault. You do not have a birthday as the side chick. Forget about presents and anything else that comes with it. If you had sex on that day it was not birthday sex it was sex – just sex, ordinary day sex. If he didn’t answer your calls you need to refer to rule number 2 and grow up. Becoming a side chick is a step of maturity and emotional stability. If you want to bicker like a child become a girlfriend.
5. You pay your own bills
You have miss independent on your Facebook, instagram and twitter bio. That’s why he chose you now live like miss independent.
When you go to the club carry enough money for your drinks and the two friends you tagged along to show off your ‘man’
If the waiter should look at the guy to pay for your drink you are supposed to get up and act offended and fish out money from your purse and pay for both bills.
In addition to that you order for more drinks and pay for them as well. Heck even ask for his electricity bill and sort it out there and then in the club. Send his mother some money while at it the sky is the limit just never expect a cent from him.
6. Your friends are fair game
So you came to his place or you bumped into each other in town and your friends happened to come bumping with you its alright. Remember rule 5.
However should he find one or all of your friends prettier you are supposed to offer them to him. You are supposed to humbly step down – borrow a leaf from Goodluck. After all he was a president so he did something right.
Don’t get angry or sad remember rule number 4.
7. You never sleep over
You have your own place. It has a bed and beds get lonely. Sleeping over is the meanest thing you can do. How will you explain it to your bed that you were out there keeping another bed warm? That’s not right.
So if he makes you leave at odd hours he is not being inconsiderate he is actually salvaging your bed relationship you should thank him and leave immediately.
8. Opinions, keep them to yourself
His music is not too loud your hearing is just too good. The movie is not boring you’re just too dumb to understand the plot. Do you want him to think you’re dumb? No? Act like you enjoy it.
He asked you to cook, clean and wash but you never do any of that? There’s a first time for everything. Remember once you were a virgin?
You think he’d look good in a black tie so the next time you bump into each other you buy him one? Don’t think. Clearly you’re there because you don’t think. So why start?
I don’t have a side chick I will never have a side chick and I am faithful to my future girlfriend. Any views expressed here are simply fictional and purely satirical. But if I had a side chick those would be the rules