Lessons from a stripper – The intro

stripper heelsThis was something that happened two years ago in college. It was one of those days when my pal and I sat in his living room drinking very cheap alcohol plotting on the night’s debaucheries. I believe it was blue moon and all we had for the chaser was hot water and lemon slices.

Don’t shake your head and take the holier than thou road. At one point in life you were in this same position. The funny part is that we never bought cheap alcohol because we were broke – as a matter of fact we were loaded. If we were cars out in Jamhuri show grounds on a lazy Sunday afternoon for sale we’d have the description ‘fully-loaded’ written across our pink price stickers.

We just did it because it was easier to look broke. No one ever bothers you when they think you don’t have money and if a girl ever called you up you were sure it was never going to be about money. That’s how we survived the university sharks and bank account vampires – we were street smart.

So on this particular day we were listening to some Wiz Khalifa Medicated on a maxed out 6000W ampex 2.1 system plastic cups full to the brim with the vile liquid and were getting mellowed out until his phone rings. It was his cousin – a rather wild female who was proudly lesbian. She needed a fun day at the man cave – yes I see the irony and to sweeten the deal she said she had a few stripper friends that wanted to chill out. All this time she was on loudspeaker and I was busy mouthing the words ‘YES, SAY YES!’ to my pal. Okay, maybe I didn’t really mouth it because at some point she might have heard me and said hi – curse this vile liquid.

So anyway the plan was in place and we rushed out to buy a variety of booze. Did I mention we were loaded? At the supermarket I do not think that the Nakumatt attendant had ever seen such enthusiasm from youngens like us. Usually when in college, everyone goes to the spirit section and reaches for the bottom shelf where the likes of Meakins, Konyagi and bluemoon are – we didn’t.  Come to think of it maybe that was why we had an attendant always trailing us – it was very common for one of our kind to stuff a bottle of vodka in their pants and walk out like they just had their periods. The mini trolley was full of viceroy, j&b, zappa, king Roberts, mojitos and some namaqua. Hell, if we were entertaining strippers we were going to go all out breaking bank and shit. At the counter eyes were on us, maybe they did not expect us to have the money or were expecting some half assed prank but joke on them when we pulled out thirteen crisp brown notes. I remember this day with painful nostalgia – how we spent money without a second thought it is unnerving. A few of his classmates walked in as we rushed out saw the bottles and knew it was going down. When in college you don’t need an invite just show up and get down.

The house was set. The music was as always loud, the normal bulb had to be pulled out and we installed one of those colored ones (I don’t know how or why but the colored bulbs always made parties wilder.) It was now a waiting game.

It was going to seven PM and there were no signs of strippers or the cousin – in fact her phone was off. Great we had all this pricey liquor and no one to actually enjoy it with. But if you’ve been to college you know alcohol is never a waste. We decided we were going to turn up either way and so the party started. Have you ever had wineroy? Well, this is when you mix half a glass of wine with half a glass of viceroy and it is destructive. One of these babies and you go zero to drunk real quick. We had had four each and we were happier than a pedophile Santa clause at the mall with a five year old on his lap. It was now 9.30 pm. People had come but not the strippers and not the cousin just a few friends and curious neighbors who were now as inebriated and dancing (read as staggering) in the dance floor.

The time was now 11 and a bevy of beauties walked in – the strippers and the cousin in a snap back, denim wind breaker studded with metal spikes and a baggy short paired with sneakers. The party was just about to get started.


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