When girls walk into a party it’s like they breathe life into it. Suddenly everyone seems excited. Guys will sit up straight in their seats and hold a cup menacingly over their lips as they try to subtly access the situation. What follows is some unceremonious fist bumping and ogling. The already present girls begin to feel inferior and if you are keen enough you will notice some of them lower their dignity – it’s never that serious. Some will hold their drinks in the air and begin dancing with each other all in a bid to divert attention from the new entrants. But you just cannot compete with a stripper can you?
At parties girls come out to have fun. With a stripper you get three girls – her and her two tatas, and, they’ve all come out to play.
I particularly eyed one who had a rugged denim hot pant that was stretched to its bare threads by the size of her thunder thighs. She didn’t have heels on – I think that would have been too cliché but she did have a brown pair of untied timberland boots a white crop top that seemed to be a few sizes smaller and a gold chain around her neck. Her skin glistened under the dim lights and for a moment I swear I thought I saw her wink at me but I was too inebriated to wink back so I ended up doing a double wink. A double wink is when you close both your eyes at the same time and open them back real fast. You look like a baby orangutan that opened its eyes for the first time and it’s nowhere near sexy. Dammit pull yourself together nigga I thought to myself.
In order to redeem myself I decided to pull the funny guy card. You know open with a joke, get her laughing, get married, get babies and leave happily ever after? Here’s the thing, when I’m drunk I’m super smart it’s like a super power. This would be a good thing if I was at a party in the college dorms of Harvard but I wasn’t. So I walk towards her avoiding the aggressive derrières competing for attention on the dance floor my cup is in one hand and it’s held above my head – I didn’t want anyone spilling my drink. So I start:
“Nice crop top”
“Your chest must have been abducted by aliens”
“You see, crop circles” I say pointing at her protruding tatas.
Curse my drunk smarts! She walks away confused as fuck thinking I’m some weirdo and shit. I turn to leave then I hear her burst out laughing. I turn to see her coming back and she screams
“You fucking genius”
I can’t help it I’m almost elated, matter of fact I had dreaded going back to all the derrières I had earlier ignored and do the dance of shame. You know the dance of shame? When you dance with a girl because the girl you wanted to dance with turned you down? No? Well, now you know. I smile and I’m partly amazed she actually got the joke. I’ve been reading it over and over again and it just sounds more stupid every time. She tells me her name is Delilah, remember I’m drunk and I’m trying to be funny, so for the night my name was Samson.
“Yes, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t have long hair.”
“Aha, and what does that mean?”
“You make me weak.”
Were it not for the wineroy I’d have punched myself in the face severally. I cannot explain why I was corny and as I write this I’ve never had a glass of that stuff ever. But she laughed at least I was doing something right. So I offered to get her a drink. Here’s why my lesson came in
Not dry, but neat
I asked her what she’ll have and she wanted viceroy. I asked her if she wanted to chase it or take it dry. She gave me a long look and said:
“I thought you were smart?”
“Here’s how to ask for brandy” she started
So basically when you’re ordering brandy or whiskey and want to impress a lady you have to do it right. You don’t ask for it dry. You say something fancy like
“Can I get my brandy neat over ice? The ice should be crushed no cubes please”
So I got her the brandy, neat. I learnt that she worked at a popular club in Mombasa and she was very happy to host me. So being inquisitive I asked her what else she could teach me… well she smiled and I can’t seem to remember the rest of the lessons curse the wineroy hehe.