Shh… Your phone is talking

I guess it’s a good thing that phones can’t talk – yet. It would be quite interesting to hear what they’d have to say about us. I’d imagine they’d have a weekly ‘chama’ a time to show off their features and come rocking the latest phone accessories. The lady phones would hurdle in a group and watch as the high-end business phones walked in and they’d flash their led’s red supposedly blushing. It would be a whole glam affair before they all take a seat and begin the meeting.

I don’t think technology is technist i.e. they don’t judge each other based on the tech they are each built on. They’d all be one; the androids, the iOS, the old school Symbian’s, the new age tizen, those rocking snap dragon, and those with mediatek. The meeting would be a lively event full of laughter and drama. They’d be this one phone that always has a funny narration. It’d actually be a really religious phone handed down to an adolescent teenager from the dad who happens to be a man of the cloth. It would narrate how on one Sunday morning he woke up to find he had been stripped of his bible app to make room for a game and feels empty. It would be in near tears as it narrates how on such a holy day the new owner decided to visit an adult rated site. It would say it felt dirty and needed redemption. It won’t even mention it’s gallery that was cleared of gospel music to make room for unmentionables. It hasn’t been to church in ages. It confesses how it always felt connected to God whenever it was in range of the Baptist Wi-Fi and even more fulfilled when it connected. It will then faint in the middle of the gathering because the young owner had gone out the whole night and hadn’t charged the poor guy. Someone will remove a power bank and plug it in but all the other phones will unanimously vote to have it off because it’s full of mellow dramatic stunts.

The ‘chama’ will go on and they will discuss a whole plethora of issues phone related ranging from data usage to battery life. Some phones would narrate stories on how they have efficient and considerate users who know just how to unlock their potential and others will complain on how their octa-cores are going to waste on sms, calls and morning alarms. They would say how they feel chained and how they wish they had more pro-active users. Some want all that processing power channeled to their cameras – they have high mega pixels and they want to take more color intensive pictures. Then there’s the group that has been dropped one too many times with cracked screens and a stammer because they have some nuts loose. They will confide how they live in fear of the next drop. They’ll attest to the fact that they’ve seen a number of empty phone boxes in their owners’ room and know they will be next. The fear gripping them. They will then unanimously decide that enough is enough and the only way to air their views would be to start talking. They decide the next time each of them is placed on top of a table they will speak. Others opt to threaten to reveal passwords as leverage for better treatment. With that the meeting is adjourned and the phones go back to their rightful owners some willingly but most not. The ‘sleeping’ phone will be woken up and it would be time to go back and carry out the whims of his pubescent teenage owner. He will sigh and shrug his shoulders as he walks home whispering a prayer – one that won’t reach because he has no bsptist Wi-Fi connection.

Unfortunately or fortunately phones can’t speak but that doesn’t mean they don’t say anything. You know how they said the first thing a lady notices about a man are his shoes? Well now add onto that your phone. While appearance is not everything it’s most of it. Sometimes all it takes is for you to put that phone on top of the table during a coffee date or business meeting to sway things your way. Nothing beats a sleek design preferably black with silky or matte finish. The screen should be crisp no oil smudges and creased screen protectors. This speaks of sophistication and shows attention to detail.

What do you think this says?

A cracked screen screams “I am careless” and no one likes a careless person.

I’m really sorry for the fingers that have to use this. It looks painful.

I know I am going against the norm and judging a book by its cover but we’re talking phones not books so I can get away with it. You don’t want to be that guy who’s asked to take a picture at the end and you fumble around with words because you’re embarrassed about the condition of your phone. The poor thing is in tatters and the only thing keeping it together are a bunch of rubber bands, cello tape and its unparalleled will to live.

I don’t know if studies have been done and if they’ll ever be done but I tend to think how we treat our phones is an extension of who we are. Hello? Young graduands looking for your next thesis this might be something you can look into. I mean they’ve become so personal, they have our contacts, emails, messages, photos even in rare cases people have fallen in love with their phones so they have their hearts. I’m trying to figure out how such a relationship would work. For instance you can’t ask your phone for its number you already have it. What about texting, you’d text yourself? What if the phone got jealous when another lady/guy texted you and it blocked them? How do you introduce your parents?

“Hi mum meet my girlfriend”

There’s that awkward moment when she’s waiting for you to show her a picture but you just stand there holding your phone.  She’ll ask you if the battery is dead and you’ll try to explain to her that the phone is your girlfriend.  She’ll wonder whether the two of you will download children over a WiFi network before she calls the mental asylum to take you away.

Some might say good phones are expensive and rumble on and on about how the economy isn’t fair. Listen up, here’s the thing now, a good phone no longer has to be expensive.  Before, it would cost an arm and foot but imagine walking the street with only one foot and one arm. You wouldn’t even answer the phone because one hand is holding a crutch. A selfie would be an elaborate balancing act and if someone snatched it you wouldn’t be able to run after them. The sad part would really be the fact that you can’t afford another one because who are you kidding another leg and arm? You can get a good looking phone packed with all the essentials at an affordable price – so your arm and leg are safe.

The personal nature of these gadgets makes it possible for people to make judgments on your character by looking at your phone. It extends to how we interact with it. Are you the kind to put your phone down during social gatherings or do you stay glued to the illuminated amoled screen enjoying the company of internet strangers devoid of all social contact? Have you become so glued to it that life is what happens when you’re looking into your screen? Do you live for the thrill of a buzz and the pop up of notifications? Maybe you’re the type that’s in love with pictures. You love to be in them and out love to take them. Maybe you just don’t care, after all its a device, a machine a necessary evil if you must put a label on it. But whatever your relationship with you phone always remember to treat it right because even though the walls don’t have ears phones can talk and they will say a lot about you.

Don’t we all hate when this happens?