Love for family planning?

In ascending order of severity these are the three things that spell doom if said right before coitus. I’m not talking about the first date jitters, or that awkward movie you watch before your hands accidentally touch moment, or all that ceremony that leads towards the first coit.
What I am talking about is the butt naked on top of each other staring into each others eyes moment before you get down to it. There you are breathless eyes wide with anticipation a carnal hunger, hers show an innocence. She cracks a smile an innocent one, a smile as calm as a gentle sea breeze in the heat of the off July Sunday. She rubs her hands across your chin and draws you into her eyes. She flutters them, she’s being coy then she let’s out a sigh. A deep one heavy with premonitions of the uncertain future at bay. She smiles again but this time it’s not a breeze it’s barely a blow she’s nervous until she blurts out:

“I have something I need to tell you”

They say your life flashes before our eyes before you die. I don’t know what they call what goes through a guys head in those few seconds. It’s like being in a plane during turbulence only to hear the pilots voice coming through the intercom saying something about being sorry and that you should call your loved ones.  You realize that your phone is out of range and the plane wifi is down. What’s worse is that other than your mum there’s no one else you want to say goodbye to. You realize you’ve lived such a lonely life and pushed people away. You remember all the “dates” you had over coffee at Java discussing some book. How the dates never materialised into anything other than a weekend romp. How you called each of them babe because remembering names was too mainstream. Then the pilot’s voice comes through the intercom again and says it was all a misunderstanding. You land and the first thing you do is call up babe go for coffee and weekend romp. Things don’t change they never do.

You look her in the eye and ask her what it is. You try to tone down your voice and mask the anxiety.  You wear a smile and brush gently against her face with the tips of your fingers. You have a boner so hard it’s knock knocking on heavens doors. You whisper a silent prayer but dint ask for redemption. It’s too late now you’ve already fallen into temptation. What you ask for is that she’ll say something along the lines of

“I have a boyfriend”

As a matter of fact that would come as a relief. It would save you the awkward silence weeks later because you can always say you thought about it and decided to respect their relationship. There’s so much irony in the statement but you ignore it. That’s something you can live with. But there’s three things that she could possibly say that would mean the end of civilisation as we know it.

Remember this is in order of ascending severity.

1. I have an STI

Nothing kills the mood than a good old dose of gonorrhea. You’ll be torn in between thanking her for her honesty or hating the obvious promiscuity that led to the initial infection.


I’ve heard now there are condoms that change color when someone is infected. I don’t know how this works. What if you slide in and come out adorning a multicolored latex glove that looks like it got its inspiration from Jacobs coat.  Who’s infected? Does the color change when it is in contact with an infected dang-a-lang or an infected vajayjay? You can easily pass the blame to the next person.

There might be that split second where you think it’s a bad joke. You want to laugh but you don’t.  You can’t believe you even kissed her and you move to the side putting on your clothes as far away as you can from her. You’ll mumble a shy thank you and not stay a second longer to hear why her conscience decided to kick in at the last minute. You’ll think maybe it was a clever ruse to get you off her back. You don’t care you dart out like a speeding bullet.

2. I’m a virgin

Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong about being one. It’s rare and it’s special so you’re a gem. But there’s the breed that talked dirty on phone and kept things saucy all along. They’re the last people you expected to drop such a bomb shell. A guy will re-think his whole life and purpose at that moment. Chances are he will walk away and you might never see them again.

3. I love you

You can treat gonorrhoeaand you can live positively but ARV’s and antibiotics cannot cure lovesick. Love is a good thing but not if you both met at a club had a couple of weekend romps and her conscience decided to kick in. You only know her favorite drunk song and her poison you can’t be in love. Those three words right there might be the answer to over population and disease spreading. They should look into it as a family planning method.


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