My Self Worth

I met Maryanne by chance. She’s one of those people that annoy you in a not so annoying way. She has an obnoxious laugh that’s also kind of cute. Also she drinks mocktails. Which is a fancy name for juice. I don’t get it either. But she’s fun. Very fun. And sometimes funny.

Find her at pillowswab

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough, you were created as you and no one can take that away from you, because you are you and you are unique, a world of happiness previously unseen was discovered after I learnt this and lived by this words because, somewhere along the line of aging and scrutiny and time I was taught to despise myself but I made sure I kept myself beautiful so someone would love me someday. So that I could be validated someday, because that’s the most important thing a little girl could ever want, right? (Or so I thought). 

When I turned fourteen, I was embarrassed about my body. Of course it would not be the last time and I remember stuffing my bra in the morning with socks and asking God why I didn’t have anything else more bigger and real enough. When I prayed it became a norm for me to pray for something; (that I could look beautiful enough), for the ruthless world, friends and internet who mercilessly told me I was worthless because my boobs weren’t big enough and I would go home and put on over sized shirts with my eyes closed, deny myself the right to be shown me, because I didn’t dare want to insinuate beauty in regards to something so insulting as my body.

But I mean, we all end up with our heads between our knees because the only place we’ll ever truly feel safe is curled up inside skin. We’ve been taught to hate by a society that shuns our awful confidence and feeds us our own flaws and sometimes, when I need to meet the me that loves me, I can’t find her, a reminder that the mirror is meant to be a curse!!!!  So I confine her in my mind but when she shouts “let me out” we’re allowed to listen. But it’s met by a chorus of conceited egotistical, narcissism. But since when was self solicitude a sin? Since when was loving who we are made an offense by morons that don’t matter change this physicality? Don’t you shatter the illusion that you could be anything beyond paper fine flesh and flashy teeth and fingernails.

Have you ever felt so numb that it hurts? Entertain me whore! You can’t surrender to them, you got to remember that you’re the only thing you’ll ever truly have and no; I don’t mean your body because someday it’ll go bad, no matter what you do. I mean you. I mean the way your bright eyes go wild when you smile and how your laughter’s so melodic it’s a song, I mean the way your creativity’s a compass that leads you to what you love and you don’t need any miracle cream to keep your passions smooth, hair free or diet pills to slim your kindness down and when you start to drown in these petty expectations.

You better examine the miracle of your existence because you’re worth so much more than your waistline, you’re worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream, but sometimes we forget that because we live in a word where the media pulls us from the womb, nurses us and teaches us our first words “skinny pretty girls soft quiet pretty boys manly muscles pretty” but I don’t care whether it’s your gender, your looks, your weight, your skin, or where your love lies none of that matters because standards don’t define you. You don’t live to meet credentials established by some stupid misconception!!  You’re a heavenly treasure whether you want to believe it or not.



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