The Single Chronicles 6: God has a wife

God must have a wife. A supernatural woman who actually knows everything. One that keeps him on toes, busy and whose nagging sends him to the bar on a few occasions.

“Are you drunk again?” She’d ask
“Can’t a God just go and not have to be questioned about it? Si afterall you already know.”
“But… No I just had two bottles of water.”
“Oh you think this is funny? You want kina Gabby to talk eh? Were you out with Lucifer that sneaky devil? You know what don’t even talk to me. I can’t even”

Because God looks like the chap to call his mama babe. Also to sip on a green bottle at some overpriced joint and when he gets drunk tells the bartender “You know I knew you while your mother was pregnant?” Creepy guy. And some guy would be like “That jamaaz always thinks he knows guys when he’s drunk.” And another chap would say “he doesn’t have a dad he got issues.” Then god would ascend into heaven without a care because he turned down the proposal to have NTSA on the road to heaven. Hehe. Smart guy.

Sato a hangovered supreme being will be in boxers and sandals looking inside the liquor cabinet to find a nice red he needs to turn back to water.  It won’t be as easy as he thought and after a few tries he’d send Gabby down to get him a bottle of Fanta and a mara moja. He could just heal his hangover but when the Mrs finds out, and she will,it would be hell. Because she doesn’t like him wasting miracles like that and yet there’s a child somewhere dying of an unknown disease. If I knew you were that selfish I wouldn’t have married you, she’d probably say.
Meanwhile in some church in Kitengela a rowdy group of Christians are stomping the ground and shouting incoherent words punctuated with baba. And maybe God has a sense of humor so every time they say baba he says black sheep and laughs hi-5’n himself until some angel walks in and finds him.

“Sir are you high?”

He would look at the guy with a straight face, raise one brow and quip

“Nah I’m the most high”

There’d be a silence and they’d both break out in laughter.

“Why are you here?”
“There’s this guy…”
“There’s always a guy. What does he want?”
“He drunk too much and he’s head is heavy and he thinks he messed up because he didn’t use a condom.”
“Okay and…”
“Promises he won’t do it again if you let him off easy this time.”
“LOL (God would definitely say LOL) si he did it last weekend also? But give him tu. His life is so comical. We’ll mess him up season 2.”
“Also ummmh…”
“Also what now? Make it snappy don’t you have some Angeling to do?”
“She’s back.”

In a huff God would snap his clothes on send a quick HM  (heaven message) to gabby and ask him to forget the mara moja. He would then lie on the couch smug look on his face and read the paper.

“You’re still on the couch?”

God would ignore that question because being God there’s questions you can ignore without consequences right?

“How’s Peter?  Haven’t seen him in a while.”
“What do you expect when you sneak out without using the pearly gates?”
“Why are you being cold?”
“Because living with you is hell!”
“Very funny Magdalene. Haha. But really what’s wrong babe?”

Magdalene would shrug her shoulders, she likes when she’s called babe, and then fall in to the couch sinking in her sulkiness and its comfort.

“You. You’re the problem we need more time together. Everyone down there has time with you except me and don’t give me that omnipresent shit I want all of you.”
“You’re sounding like one of those worship songs now.”
“Yes well what if I do?”

God would let that sink in before giving her a big warm hug, a kiss on the forehead and three miracles to spend however she wanted. Sitting together on the couch God would take out his phone cancel plans with Micheal and tell him to cancel the request for the guy that fucked up.

“Why?” The Angel would text back
“Because I said so, don’t question me.”
“But we already granted his wish.”
“It’s prayer not wishes. I’m god not a damn genie!”
“So what do we do?”
“Is he still there? With that woman?”
“No not yet but the girlfriend wants to call him.  She’s picking her phone right now.”
“Okay good. Make him horny and give him the best sex of his life.”
“Anything else?”
“Find a good place the missus can go for vacation.”


Nothing else would explain why at 8 am I was in bed next to Ann other than the gods had conspired or they were having a bad day. She had asked me to find her and even though it took three weeks to track her down I did. I wanted to find about my daughter even if it was just her name.  I wanted to know if she had my eyes, smile or laugh or of she looked like her mother. So we planned to meet at her favorite hotel. I had to lie to Stacey that night that I was going to meet the boys, I should’ve felt guilty but I did not, not even when she said she loved me and told me to have fun. But this counts as fun right? I said I loved her back without flinching and I did not lie I really do love her but I also love the idea of having a daughter and getting to meet her. Ann came out in a black dress that hugged her, she also came a little bit tipsy, two wines she had said. I wasn’t sure if that was glasses or bottles but she giggled and held me longer than she should have in her hug. There was a playfulness about her alcohol scented breathe when she whispered I looked good. I didn’t  I had thrown on a t-shirt and jeans.

Dinner wasn’t really dinner we just ordered drink after drink and bitings in between. Hotels are cosy for romantic dinners they are not accustomed to the rowdiness of night clubs. But Ann wanted to dance so we went to a club. Without asking, she jumped into my car said she was too hammered to drive. I didn’t question her after all wasn’t she the one I had just kicked back a few with? In the car I asked about my daughter.

“At least tell me her name.” I said.

Ann giggled like a kid. Then it became sultry and a finger traced down my thigh.

“So it got to you huh? Left what’s her name to meet me for your kid?”
“Yes, I’m  a man we love our kids regardless and her name is Stacey.”
“So nothing for me? Just the kid, your daughter?”
“You know we’re over right?”
“We’ll see about that.”

She let out another giggle laced with drunkenness. I could feel the whisky warm me up and I smiled.

The parking lot was littered with all kinds of cars,  white saloons, black SUV’s and silver sedans. Finding a spot was hard and I asked her to go in and find us a seat, ladies are always lucky, there’s always an over willing man there to get her a table. It could be for her and her six friends and they will pull a table out of their ass just for them. So it was a good idea she goes in while I looked for parking.  Plus, in my favor, no one would see us walking in together, the streets talk and those around the club talk the loudest. A drunk friend might just see the both of us and text the girlfriend “looking good in a black dress say hi to Charles.” And that’s where drama begins.  She tottered off under the florescent parking lights with their rays falling off her demure curves like a soulful turtle. She looked sexy as hell  or is the term hot? Deep down I knew this was bad, the guilt I had not felt earlier crept in, I pictured Stacey curled up on the couch eating takeout, Chinese,  she would not be doing pizza in a while, watching a movie and thinking about texting me. She almost never does, text me when I go out, she respects that I need my space sometimes and has trust in me and my words, that I love her. People in love don’t do stupid shit, okay they do, but they don’t do this kind of stupid shit. Here right now I could reverse and drive off and leave Ann behind, but that would mean leaving my daughter behind too. I can’t. Stacey will understand,  she has to.

The club was just as full as the parking lot there were the young guys with bottles of brandy and vodka littering their tables knackered out of their wits talking about a designer panda. Then there was the mature couple, guy with rolled up sleeve, half coat, fedora hat and jeans with brown moccasins with a lady in a white or black dress on his arm laughing to some joke. The loners of course are the best,  guarding their drinks with their lives and their inhibitions  with nothing. Some looking to get laid others just looking for a fun night out. Ann wasn’t too far off She was close to the counter chatting up the bar tender. A warm hug and careless kiss later we took shots. They are never a good idea, never. One shot led to another led to making out led to me at her place at 2 am.

“Won’t we wake her up?”
“Wake who up?”
“My daughter.”

I like how I said my daughter with so much ease like I had been a part of her life from the beginning. It felt natural like having tea at home with the folks.

“Oh, she’s not here.”

That’s all I needed to hear, but I thought she would’ve mentioned her name, Shirley isn’t here here or Maya isn’t here. But she didn’t and I did not question we just went at it, ravenous, hungry, carnal, raw desire punctuated with enough I missed you’s and what the hell are we doing. Stacey would definitely not understand this, and Stacey would never have to find about it either. You know you’ve screwed up when you wake up in the morning and the first word to escape your mouth is shit. Ann was next to me sleeping soundly like what happened was okay. But I guess for her it was, she was in no prior commitments and I was the father to the child, she can get away with it. I can’t.

“Babe you’re up?”

Babe? How? It was one night. We were drunk. She’s not babe and I’m not babe. What’s wrong with women.

“I need to go.”
“Why? What’ her name again?”

I shot her a stern look.

“Sorry babe, Stacey?”
“Yes, I love her, you know that.”
“You don’t want to see your daughter?  She’s coming back today.”

There she goes again playing the daughter card, dangling it like a carrot and stick.

“I’ll see her next time. I’ve got to go.”
“Okay call when you get home.”

A kiss and more later I left.

I think prayers are what I need.  A miracle to erase the sins of last night. By now Stacey is still asleep but when I get there she’ll either be out for a run or in the shower. I can’t face  her at least not now, I need that sleep to lie better. Lies. Love. They go together those two.



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