There are times your alcohol tolerance lets you down; it looks at you, and decides that it does not feel like working. But the worst part is it does not warn you, give you hints, or even the silent treatment; it just does not show up to work and it is not even apologetic about it. You will be at the bar counter sipping a cold one and all over sudden you will feel woozy. The ground beneath you will start to shift and your forehead gets ridiculously heavy and the counter will start getting awfully close.
These are the times one of the boys will look at you and shake their head. They do not understand what is happening.
“Kwani how many have you had you guy?” he will ask
You will try to string words together but they will prove as elusive as that promotion at work so you will lift up some fingers and stutter a word.
“And what’s wrong? Kwani you’ve been drugged?”
Your friends will look at you like some sort of outcast, the guy that could not handle his liquor, they will strip you of all bragging rights and even start calling you lady parts and add (Mrs.) to your name for the kicks of it. You will never be able to make any sensible contributions to matters of importance like why Wenger should resign or how Pogba’s performance is under par. You will only be allowed to talk when they are discussing non-issues like why weaves smell so bad and what you did to yours to get it to smell great. Stuff like whether you wear a g – string or the red laced panties. You will be ridiculed until it happens to one of them and then you’re off the hook.
When this happens you have to be prepared. Here are a few tips to get you through.
- Act drunker than you already are
Do not try and deny it. You will just look dumb and alcohol is a jealous lover. How dare you insinuate she is not making you feel things? She will slap you in the face with a double tot of attitude and you will not survive. What you have to do is exaggerate just how drunk you are. Make a ruckus, one that will sell the story and get the boys to go easy on you but big enough not get you kicked out of the club.
- Lie about how much you’ve had to drink
Truth is if you say the truth of how much you’ve had you won’t make it out alive. Two? Two! Are you freaking kidding me? Go home and iron clothes next time and let the missus come!
Find an excuse and lie if you have to. Actually just lie. Tell the guys that before coming you had a bottle of vodka and a few shots of tequila off of a Brazilian vixen’s body chased down by a can of beer. Plus, this helps you sell number one as well and instead of looking light, betrayed by your own intolerance you seem harder and you go up a notch higher on the respect ladder. The truth is they might not believe you but another truth is they can’t prove you wrong.
- Don’t blame it on an empty stomach
We’ve heard this one so many times. It’s cause I have not eaten all day guys I swear. I had a chapo and some stew at the base, bana, they didn’t have ugali. You remember last time I had stacked videadly and I was okay?
No just no, don’t blame your lack of tolerance on having not eaten; it looks weak. It’s like losing a fight and talking about all the punches you landed; if you did not win you don’t talk about them. You’d rather keep quiet; buy a half kilo of grilled pork, ugali and some nice kachumbari hope your tolerance rises and if it does not; call an Uber, go home and the next day say you got food poisoning. No one will make fun of a hangovered man that’s shitting his intestines out as well.
- Take that extra shot
Yes you’re almost incapacitated but by sweet Mary and Joseph when the guys offer you another shot’ take it. You can use this as defense for later. How that last shot messed you up just as you were finding your footing. And here’s a plus; if you’re fast enough no one will notice you slide it under the table or slip it into your already full glass. Just don’t dally because then all eyes will be on you and you will have to take it.
- Call a friend
This is not just any friend, this is a friend that can get you out of the situation. A friend who will come in and order you out. Mostly these friends are female, they will smile your way out of an embarrassing situation and cuddle you with enough motherly concern to get make you feel bad about your actions. You cannot call your crush, this will just exacerbate your situation, and she needs to think you’re the angel you say you are. You cannot call your girlfriend either, you will give them emotional ammunition for the next time you want to go out; they will use it against you and for the next forty four years you will hear stuff like: so you can go and drink like last time heh? If you don’t have such friend call the cab guy; when he gets there your friends will either offer to pay cancellation fees or take you down the stairs; my guess is they will hurl your behind into the backseat and let you go.
- Drink water or eat ice
Hydration at this point is important, you do not want to wake up like you fell down the Kisii hills backwards, naked listening to Tony Nyadundo on knock off beats by Dre. Ask for water and then ask for ice. Keep asking until you’re sure your body has more water than alcohol.
- Don’t sleep
This is a common mistake; your eyes are already droopy, your forehead is heavy, your words are incoherent and your coordination is as good as a bat in daylight. But if you sleep chances are you won’t wake up until morning. You might wake up in a strange bed, no shoes, no socks, and no phone. By the time you realize you’re at your boys place with no money because they used what was in your wallet to pay for the cab.
Those are just a few of the ways you can survive a bout of low alcohol tolerance but the best advice is to drink responsibly. Don’t test your tolerance.