Anyone can just buy a drink, go home, open it and enjoy it over an episode of Modern Family while texting their significant other; but there’s no fun in that. The typical Kenyan bar is a hot pot of diversity; the conversations, the people, the staff and the drinks. There is always something happening. Always. It could be that skimpily dressed lady stranded by the roadside drunk out of her panties hailing random cars down n on a gray Monday morning. Or the guy in a suit, loose tie, with an overwhelming bill he cannot pay trying to pawn off one of his blackberries to the bouncer as a down payment.
But just to make it fun; here are ten guys you will meet in a Nairobi pub profiled as popular politicians.
- Kalonzo Musyoka
This is the chap that is undecided. They do not know whether they want whisky, brandy or beer. If they settle on whisky they are not sure if they want Johnny Walker or Lawson’s. When they finally make a choice they end up regretting it and spend the whole night complaining how they should’ve gone for the other option.
They are not fun to be around most of the time. Because this indecisiveness hampers club hopping. They are better off at home flipping through channels in a bath robe with chicken soup.
- Francis Atwoli
This is the loud guy at the bar. The guy who has an opinion about everything and probably knows why Wenger should sign Kobe Bryant this coming season. You cannot outmatch him in an argument and it gets worse when they are drunk.
The up side to this guy is that he knows his rights. He will not let the waiter bamboozle him out of a few coins by exaggerating the prices. The waiters know him and he has the manager on speed dial. He also knows all the great joints with cheaper booze and will threaten an establishment with leaving should they not bend to his will.
- Mwai Kibaki
The silent guy at the bar. He might be in a crowd of people or just alone. He knows what is going on around him but does not get involved. He will deal with only one waitress for the whole time he is there. He never has drama; he pays his bills without fussing about it or making shrewd comments.
The waitresses love this chap because he does not make unnecessary passes at them. Occasionally though he will throw around a few insults when provoked. Chances are that he also has a wild card girlfriend lurking somewhere; who on the shortest of notices shows up to cause a scene.
- Martha Karua
She has a lot to prove to all the men in the bar. She will not sit back and let people throw rounds at her. She will probably pay for those rounds, double it and send them back to the guys. She is also loud and can keep up with the banter that’s been thrown around.
Should a guy make the mistake of touching her; inappropriately or without permission they will not hear the last of it. They would probably send an email Monday morning CC all his bosses, wife, girlfriend and house help too.
On the bright side they are good company if you are good company.
- Raila Odinga
This is the guy that will take his tipple while hanging on to conversations that do not make sense. When he is finally drunk; he will deny it vehemently. He will claim that his friends are trying to get rid of him so that they can have fun on their own. He will be the most vocal about his state of inebriation. Going ahead to say he can prove how sober he is but then fail to prove it.
You get bored pretty fast with this guy. The first time you drink with him might be the last time. A lot of negative energy always at his table. Plus every chance he gets he will talk about himself.
- Esther Passaris
This is the pretty lass at the bar that knows she is pretty. She enjoys the stares from everyone; guys, ladies and the bar tenders as well. She is always well dressed; sometimes overdressed. She will not say no to a free drink thrown her way; she might actually entertain guys at her table.
But this guy has a very sharp tongue and quick on her feet. Her wit is unparalleled and she can throw disses faster than you can empty a tequila shot. Rumor has it that she is an easy lay, but those are just that, rumors. She is principled and her only sin is looking like she is not.
- Musalia Mudavadi
This is the guy that thinks he is popular but people do not really know him that well. He will walk in and hope his presence will announce itself but no one will bat an eyelid. He will say hi to as many people as possible but they won’t recognize who he is.
This frustrates this chap so much so he ends up switching bars so many times. The only problem is there’s never a bar he goes too where people acknowledge him. He is better off in a group of friends where he can at least mooch off their positive energy.
- Peter Kenneth
This is the guy the lasses will drool over; he is calm and composed. He dresses good. He is very elowuent and can hold an intelligent conversation while still holding his whisky in. This is the guy that knows when he’s had enough. He never goes above his limit and most probably would be able to drive home without attracting the attention of NTSA.
He is also not a regular. He will pop in once maybe twice in a year and after that you will not hear much about him. No one knows exactly what his deal is but his looks and eloquence win him popularity. Chances are if a bar fight broke out he would be the one shielding a random lady from flying bottles and unwarranted slaps.
- Ali Hassan Joho
This is the guy that usually talks big. Lies. Gets caught in their lies but still keeps telling them. I think this chap had internalized their own lies to a point where they believe them.
The worst thing about this guy is that at first glance he looks like a trust worthy chap. This is the guy you would sit next to and tell all your problems. Chances are he will lie about being in similar situations and feed you bogus advice. You will probably end up in much more trouble by listening to their advice. Especially relationship issues – keep them away from him. He will just lie to you and bed your mate.
- Uhuru Kenyatta
AKA Mr. Money Bags. This is the guy that will buy whoever is on his table drinks regardless of whether or not you are together. He usually makes for good conversation and is very jolly. He will complain about his job or business and how it is not doing too well but spend half your life insurance sum assured in one sitting.